


Who will be the hero while I'm dreaming?

by GlytheSector



Category: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, F/M, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Movie Night, Nightmares, Polyamorous Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlytheSector/pseuds/GlytheSector
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even Jedi need help and comfort after their bad dreams. Sometimes especially those who know too well what having the fate of the galaxy on your shoulders feels like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who will be the hero while I'm dreaming?

**Author's Note:**

> This story primarily features Massaryl Kellos my female Zabrak Jedi Consular and Lieutenant Felix Iresso who are engaged in a romantic relationship. There are numerous spoilers from the Jedi consular story, Nadia Grell makes a short appearance, the Jedi consular crew are mentioned as is my Jedi Knight Dekanis briefly who Massaryl is also romantically involved with. Sneak appearance from one of my other characters at the start.

The battlefield was littered with bodies, their faces buried in the dirt and hands outstretched as if pleading for her save them. She could not see their faces and the dancing lights and shadows of the inferno made distinguishing their uniforms and armour impossible. Enemies and allies, innocents and killers lay before her and she had not been able to prevent their deaths. Over the roar of the fire moans of pain echoed behind her, cries belonging to her friends and loved ones she knew. She began to turn from the flames to face them, to do what she could to help but her legs froze as a flicker of movement caught her eyes.

Within the fires a shadow stirred. A sense of dread overtook her as the silhouette became clear. All the moisture had fled her mouth and her hands felt slick with blood but were empty of any weapon. Reaching out with the force she tried to discover the shadow’s motives. There was pain, the kind of a heavy heart not that of burning flesh. Sorrow too and regret. But the sense of resolve, of inevitability was what scared Massaryl most. She reached for calm and for peace but they eluded her. As if sensing her grasping attempts the shadow moved forwards. As its form approached she understood with horror that the shadow was not burning. The flames that licked and danced around the shadow came not from the fire, they were tinged with colours of blood and ash that marked them as fuelled by Sith powers rather than any mundane combustion.

As the Sith halted its approach on the edge of the blaze she felt its gaze shift, from staring at her to a glimmer of light resting in the dust. Hearts pounding, Massaryl recognized the glimmer as coming from the familiar form of her lightsaber, abandoned just out of reach. She tried to call out to the Sith, to negotiate, to bargain or plead or anything but her lips were sealed tighter than any durasteel vault. Aware of the dying cries behind her she realized there was not time, if she wished to save her friends she had to act. Cloaking herself in safety of shadows she hurled herself sideways, rolling out of the Siths reach as she grasped her lightsaber with the force. Her fingers moved to activate but too late, the hum in her ears had a tone unlike her double saber. As she had moved the shadow had pounced, its leap ending right before her. Looking down at the sabers protruding from her chest her breath caught in confusion as tears fell from the Sith into the space between their bodies. Cradled in her enemy’s arms a flash of familiar eyes burned into her gaze before darkness overwhelmed her.

A sudden burst of light across her vision made her cry out, a thunderous crack further fuelling her desperation as her struggling limbs caught in something.

“Hey!” A voice called out. The voice was one she knew, a voice that meant affection and safety even if it currently seemed rough with concern. “Hey, careful there, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Her eyes snapped open as a gentle hand tried to touch her face. Blinking in the harsh light the room swam into being, not her bedroom on the ship, the incredible buzz of life and activity that answered her queries into the force meant this could only be her Coruscant apartment. Looking up she met Felix’s worried gaze with a sense of relief.

“Just a dream.” She gasped, unsure if she was more intent on reassuring Felix or herself. “A horrible dream, but it wasn’t real.”

Felix didn’t look particularly reassured. Sitting on the edge of the bed he ran a hand through his close shaved hair, a nervous habit that meant she must have worried him a great deal indeed, for it was one she normally saw him perform prior to entering a dangerous fight. “Must have been hell of a dream to rattle you like that. You were tossing and turning for a while there, I haven’t seen you so bothered since Corellia.”

Massaryl shivered as she recalled the night he spoke of. Reunited after finding his escape pod but shaken by the revelation of the First son’s identity and unable to reach Dekanis she’d spent the night curled up in Felix’s arms in a quiet corner of the resistance outpost. Reaching over she caught his hand in her own, comforted by the familiar weight as she ran her fingers over the ever present blisters and scrapes from his rifle. “It wasn’t that bad. Perhaps the rodian mayonnaise from the dinner we caught on our way home just didn’t agree with me?”

Her attempt to lighten the mood seemed to fall flat as Felix raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at the wall opposite their bed. Massaryl stared in dismay at the destruction that greeted her, an ornate Voss carved vase that had been a present from Gaidin Ko lay shattered on the floor, along with the other contents of the shelf. She must have struck out with the force in her panic, the impact breaking the shelf in two.

  
A loud insistent buzzing startled them, recognizing the ring of her holocom Massaryl reached over to the bedside table. Cursing as she realized it must have been knocked over in her confusion she struggled to untangle herself from her bed sheets. Felix seemed to have a better idea as he dived beneath the bed to search for the communicator. With a series of thumps coming from below as he wriggled to fit his tall, broad shouldered form under the bed she heard an “Ah-hah” of success. A lone arm reached into view, waving the holocom triumphantly. Grabbing it with quick thanks, she ran her hands quickly through her frizzed hair before hitting the answer button.

“Master? Is that you? Are you okay? I just had this really bad, well I think it was a dream, but it wasn’t like a dream, I mean I don’t think it was a vision but it was kind of like some of the visions described in that datacron you had me look at last week. It was almost like the bad dreams I had about father, not after he died but before. But I felt you were there? Is this what you were talking about with the whole master-padawan connection?”

Breathing a sigh of relief Massaryl had to smile fondly at her padawan’s worried face as it hovered over the device. Out of the corner of her vision she saw Felix grin also at Nadia’s voice as he climbed out from under the bed.

“I’m fine Nadia really.” Her well-practiced diplomatically neutral yet reassuring expression must be slipping, Nadia didn’t look any more convinced than Felix had been. Walking over to the window she watched the glittering lights of the city through the downpour of rain. “I had a bad dream too. I’m glad you’ve been reading the material on the nature of prophecy I gave you. You are correct it would be unwise to assume it was a vision from the force, making such quick assumptions is never a good habit for a Jedi to get into.”

“Do you want me to come over? I can get a taxi easy enough, you really don’t look well Master.” Massaryl shook her head, noting Felix’s slight frown as he crouched by the fragmented vase. She’d allowed Nadia to stay over at the new Sarkhai embassy after the opening for a reason, she knew the girl still suffered from homesickness and wanted to give her a chance to be around her people again. Even beyond the importance of staying connected to them that Nadia’s job as ambassador required, Massaryl knew how painful being separated from one’s culture could be. The Order’s strong history of Zabrak Jedi meant that she had been able to share her customs and traditions with people who knew and understood them, something which had brought her great comfort and a sense of continuity after the loss of her family. She wanted Nadia to have the same luxury to bolster her through her grief and the burden of her duties.

“Stay Nadia, talk to your friends and enjoy yourself. When you return tomorrow we can meditate on the dream and discuss it and attempt to work out what meanings it may have as well as what importance it may hold. In the meantime please take care to consider its effect on you and your emotions, but don’t let it overshadow your reunion. To ignore such a dream would be short sighted, but to allow it to disturb your peace would be harmful too.”

Massaryl had to hide a smile as Nadia’s face cleared of its worry and returned to its usual cheer. The girl may have grown up around ambassadors and diplomats but she had a refreshing sincerity about her matched by an equal open face. Perhaps she needed to work on her control and discipline more, particularly considering the wild nature of her gifts. But it was so hard to reproach her sometimes.

  
“Okay Master, you know best. Felix is with you right? Make sure you let him take care of you, I know what you can be like. See you tomorrow. May the force be with you.” Too fast for a reply Nadia closed the connection leaving Massaryl blinking. Her tutoring of Nadia had definitely proved to her the truth of the wisdom that the Master-Padawan relationship was one that had the potential to teach both parties.

Felix’s chuckle caught her attention, placing her com safely on her desk she turned to face his amusement. “Something funny?” She inquired lightly.

The corners of her mouth twitched in response to his mirth, Felix had one of those smiles that always seemed to require a reply in kind.

“It’s just good to hear her being happy again that’s all. I’ve seen a lot of people lose family in this war, you see so much grief and anger in the army especially, lots of folk looking for revenge. It’s kind of nice to be around for the healing and learning to move on part for a change.”

“If we don’t learn to move past grief and seek peace this war will never end, not really. There will just be more sorrow and more angry people seeking vengeance.”

“Hey you don’t need to tell me. Like I said I’ve seen enough of that, I’ve seen where it leads too. Trying to equal out everyone you’ve lost with another dead imperial just doesn’t balance out. “

“I’m sorry.” She apologised, folding her arms against the chill of the bedroom. “I don’t mean to preach. It’s just something I have to say so much these days, with the tide of the war turning there’s so many people looking to make the Empire pay for this war and the last one. It’s difficult to resist saying it again, especially to someone who I know will actually listen, even if they don’t need the lesson.”

“It’s alright, you’re still in teacher mode from talking to Nadia.” He paused as he looked at her anxiously. “You really don’t want her worrying about that dream huh? Must have been worse that I thought.”

Massaryl’s stomach seemed to be twisting in knots as she considered her nightmare. “It was bad.” She admitted quietly. “But as I said to Nadia, getting upset about it while we’re tired and emotional won’t achieve anything. We’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

“Well that makes sense. Not worrying about it is easier said than done though I’ll bet.” The sympathy in his eyes reminded her that despite his smiles and light-hearted demeanour Felix was a soldier who’d fought many a difficult battle and had a lot of nightmares of his own. Ones about his captivity seemed particularly bad these days and Dubrillion had left a mark too. “You heard the Padawn though, I’ll take care of you. Looks like it’s my job to distract you from that bad dream till then. And I’ve got a good idea how to go about it.”

Picking up the last of the vase shards he placed it on the desk where he’d collected the pieces. Indicating at the pile he continued. “You know there's this veteran i know, nice person, good former officer. She’s a tough old Twi’lek, fought in the last war and oversaw some of my training for this one. She lost her left leg, the sight in one eye and a scary large amount of her left lekku. She now runs this place near the galactic market for her and other vets who’ve been injured, lost limbs and have cybernetics. Gives those who need it room and board and there’s work for those who can.” He looked troubled as he traced the edge of one of the pieces. “I was hoping Milo would be able to stay there but it didn’t work out.”

Massarly tried not to visibly wince at the sudden spike of pain and distress she felt through the force. Feilx’s concern for his friend was well founded, she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression and make him to feel like he was troubling her by sharing his worries.

“Anyways,” He said, quickly moving on. “It used to be they did repairs but they’ve gone into art in a big way. Her wife’s an artist and helped a lot, they take scrap, souvenirs from their tours round the galaxy, all sorts of things and make them into stuff. They do a good business in pieces for folk who are refugees or exiled cause of the war and want something of home. But they also take broken up art and try to fix it or make something new out of it if that’s what you prefer.”

“I could take this over tomorrow if you want, I’m free all day and you two will be busy with your Jedi business. It’d be good to see her again, she really respects Jedi since it was one of you guys who found her and got her home after the accident so I bet she’d give you a discount. “

Making her way over Massaryl kissed him on the cheek in thanks. “That sounds like a lovely idea. Thank you.” Resting her head against his chest she felt her horns bump his collar bone as his arms came up to hold her. “But please don’t ask for a discount. The council gives me a generous stipend and while I normally hesitate to spend it on personal things I’d be more than happy for it to go towards such a worthy cause.”

“Sounds good to me. And hey, they’re always looking for more publicity, if you name drop them next time you’re at some big fancy gathering that’d be great for them. I bet there are loads of politicians and diplomats who’d rush to show off how charitable they are, not to mention try and look like they’ve got half the taste and style of the famous Barsen’thor.”

Massaryl chuckled into his chest. “Flatterer.” She accused.

“What you mean “It isn’t flattery if it’s true isn’t a Jedi principle?””

She had to laugh at that. Felix’s talent for humour had served him well at keeping up his unit’s morale in the icy wastes of Hoth and in making her smile when it felt like the fate of the galaxy rested on her shoulders. Since she’d passed her trials so long ago she’d grown so much in skill and confidence. But out of all the lessons she’d learnt along the way one of the greatest she felt, was the fact that while she may have the strength to fight alone she didn’t need to. The support of her partners Felix and Dekanis as well of that of Nadia, Qyzen, Zenith and maybe even Tharan and Holiday (at a stretch) made all the difference. Felix was especially good at reminding her of that.

“So,” she started. “I believe you said you had some idea on how to distract me?”

“Now that you mention it I do. I don’t know if you remember but I messaged you ages back about how I’d tracked down this holovid I loved as a kid.”

“Squad 223: Mission zero I think you said it was called?”

“You remembered?”

“Of course! I am a Jedi master after all, details are important to me. As are you.”

Felix’s answering smile and the way his arms tightened slightly definitely made the few minutes it had taken to read his message and look up the vid in question worthwhile. She knew how much Felix meant to her as a friend and partner, but she also knew that sometimes he worried about whether someone of such political importance as her, someone so valuable to the war effort should be involved with a low-ranked soldier with little prospects for promotion and a possible time bomb in his head that could one day compromise him. Taking time out of her busy schedule to remind him that she valued him would always be worthwhile.

“Well if you’re interested then we should head along to the living room, the holoprojector is better in there and you will really want be able to see all the rubbish effects for full effect.

Massaryl nodded her assent as she pulled out of the embrace. “You go get that set up and I’ll bring the bed’s blankets through.”

“Don’t Jedi teachings train you to handle the cold?”

She laughed. “They do, but they also taught me to enjoy being comfortable while I can and the couch in that room makes the temple’s meditation chairs and stools seem luxurious in comparison. And I’m fairly certain those were designed to be as unpleasant to sit in as possible to stop sleepy padawans and initiates from dozing off during meditation practice. ”

Felix headed off through the doorway chuckling, leaving Massaryl behind to sort out her blankets. Deciding to first collect the assortment of belongings she’d knocked off her bedside tables in her panic she knelt down. Her lightsaber of all things remained undisturbed on the table by her lamp, upon seeing its elegant form Massaryl felt a stirring of unease as she recalled her dream. She’d felt fear many times, the Jedi way may be to seek peace but in this time of war they certainly didn’t seek it in peaceful places. Fear could be controlled however, with the force as her ally she could let go of her terror in nearly any situation and allow it to be replaced with the clarity of the force.

It was the sense of hopelessness that bothered her most. Jedi were champions of justice, of peace and education. But they were always at their core Massaryl felt bringers of hope. Whether it was hope for peace, for healing, for better actions and better days. The hollow dread she’d felt was the antithesis of her teachings and of her purpose. She’d had hope even during the desperate days of hunting down the plague master, of draining her life force to keep alive masters who her younger self could not help but resent, of loneliness, of impossible expectations and disappointment in her teacher. Even then she had not felt as she had in her dream. And the identity of the shadow…

Her musings had become very dark she realised with a start. Calming herself she reached out for the force, losing her individual worries and fears in the whirling hum of all the life around her. Her usual serenity restored she returned to the task at hand, picking up her comb, a holoportrait of her and Dekanis’ knighthood ceremonies, a collection of smooth stones from a river on Tython and a rancor tooth claw Qyzen had given her. Her personal effects back in place she began the more tedious matter of reorganizing the avalanche of datapads that had crashed to the floor.

Memos from Supreme Chancellor Saresh’s office mixed with an yet another argument with her sister, a briefing on the viability of an Ilum temple restoration project from the last council meeting, her notes from when she’d interviewed the Noetikons on any insights into Felix’s condition and the latest political news from Blamorra with a personal note for herself and one for Nadia from Tai Corden attached. Once some semblance of order had been achieved she collected the blankets, wrapping them around herself like a billowing Jedi robe for ease of transport. Personally she’d always preferred fitted and sophisticated robes to the classic “cheap-skate overgrown Jawa” look as her sister uncharitably referred to it. Adding a generous amount of cushions and pillows to her armful she wandered through the corridors of her apartment to the living room, where she found Felix had set up the holoprojecter and began a raid on their fridge.

“Looks like the disc is working fine, I was kind of worried it wouldn’t since it looked pretty battered when I got it. You got enough cushions there?”

“Meditation chairs.” She reminded him with mock seriousness.

“Can’t be that bad.” He laughed, before sitting down with his snacks with a thump. “Ouch on second thought maybe you’re right. I don’t know about meditation chairs but this is less comfy than your average troop transport.”

“Didn’t you say you’re able to sleep in those though?”

“Well you can if you remember that those fifteen minutes of sleep you grab despite your CO’s snores and the guy next to you’s questionable body odour might save your life in a firefight.”

“An excellent point.” she conceded. Curling up on the sofa beside Felix she tucked in blankets and cushions until they were cozily cocooned. Resting her against his chest as his arm came around her, the other reached for the controls. After some flickering the vid exploded into life with a jaunty theme tune.

“This isn’t the first vid in the series is it?” She asked curiously as an excited narrator rapidly summarised the latest adventures of the squad that had led them to their current situation.

“Nah, there’s a whole load of them apparently but I never saw them. No idea how the original disc came to be kicking around a refugee camp, but it was the only one there. We watched it so many times I could quote all the dialogue in perfect time to the vid. Most of us could. Had a whole load of us sitting in the tent watching and chanting along with our favourite lines.”

“It was a good distraction from everything going on around you.”

“Yeah it was. Me and the other kids were too young to really get what was happening, all we really knew was that the galaxy wasn’t a safe place anymore. Getting to watch smart-talking heroes save the day and beat the bad guys made it seem a bit brighter again. You could pretend that squad 223 would be there to save the day if the Imps came after the camp or wherever our new home ended up being.”

“I didn’t read or watch much fiction as a child, at least not after I came to the temple. But there were still stories, history lessons of brave Jedi, talented healers and wise diplomats. I had those examples to look up to, all younglings need that I think.”

“Heh well I looked up to the squad as heroes who I thought would protect us and sure I loved playing at being them with my friends, but I didn’t really think I could be like them. At the time all I felt like was a scared kid. Not sure when that changed.”

Massaryl looked up from watching a cheeky Chagrian sergeant arm an explosive to smile at Felix. “Well you’re a hero now. With all those stories about Jedi I think some of my colleagues come to underestimate those who can’t use the force. If I’d ever suffered from such blindness I know I wouldn’t by now. Not after seeing the daring of the Taris settlers, the courage of the Balmorra resistance, and the bravery of a few amazing individuals like yourself.”

“Now who is the flatterer?”

“It’s not flattery if it’s true” She quoted back at him.” Although I have to say, if your humour and compassion are two of your other finest qualities I can see you getting the former from here but not so much the latter.”

“Yeah it is a little black and white, bad guys are always evil, good guys are always right so they never need to worry about doing bad things. But kids aren’t really big on nuance.” Suddenly he snorted with laughter as the Duros captain turned an improbable shade of purple while scolding the Chagrian for an insolent comment. “Ah space, I knew that old CO of mine reminded me of someone. He’d never have taken it well if I told him it was someone from a kids holovid though.”

“That would be Lieutenant Jorgan I assume?”

“Was the resemblance that obvious? Someone should tell Jorgan if the whole Havoc squad thing ever stops working for him he could totally make it as a holoactor for kids vids.”

“Well if they ever do a reboot of the series I promise I’ll put in a request to General Garza to borrow him for it.” Massaryl declared solemnly.

Felix laughed hard enough at that to make the whole couch vibrate. “Oh well now you’ve done it. If I’m not available next time you need me for a mission it’ll be because I’m busy starting a holonet campaign to bring back squad 223.”

Snuggling back up against him Massary slowly began to drift off despite the fast paced action and comedy on the screen before her. The heroes on the holovid may have helped chase away Felix’s nightmares when he was young, but when she woke in the morning well rested, she felt Felix could probably take more of the credit this time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic and any feedback or criticism is extremely appreciated as I'm quite new at this. I apologise for my probably wonky editing and formatting, although hopefully those will improve along with my writing with practice.


End file.
